Fight for Him

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango


Dear Joe,

I'm not a very lucky person when it comes to love. I always end up the loser, and I wonder why. My friends tell me that I'm nice and pretty. I met Mark when I was a college freshman and he was a senior. There was this instant connection between us, Joe. It wasn't long before he had my heart. We were always together, and my classmates even thought he was my boyfriend. I can't blame them because Mark acted as if he was. He would wait for me after class and we'd eat lunch together or hang around after school. But Joe, I know the truth. He can't love me because he still loves his ex-girlfriend, Jen. They were together for six years and that's...well, that's six years, Joe. I can't compete with that.

Day after day, my love for Mark grew, but so did the pain of the thought that we can never be what I want us to be. And what hurt me more is that he is a sweet person who treated me as if he felt something for me, too. That's why I couldn't help but wish that he'd eventually forget about Jen and love me instead. I couldn't help thinking, "Why not? That's not impossible!" But wishful thinking does me no good. I can't control him or force him to go my way. And I know all I can do is love him without expecting anything in return.

But I'm not that strong. I had to tell him how I felt, because sooner or later I knew he would find out. At first I just wanted to avoid him, but I knew that wouldn't be fair. And so I had to tell him, through a letter. It was only after two weeks that we finally got things back to normal. It was such a brief time, but it seemed like forever. We didn't discuss anything. We just acted as if nothing happened.

It was nearing the end of the school year, and we both became busy with our own lives, so we hardly had time to see each other. And I started to get used to it. Believe it or not, I began to forget him.

We met again weeks after graduation. We missed each other, and we were back as the same buddies that we once were. Or were we? Something changed, and I'm sure it wasn't me. It was him. He started to be extra sweet, and I wasn't so sure I was comfortable with it. I asked a friend to pretend he was my boyfriend. I told Mark about it, and I felt his change of mood. He felt bad, it was obvious, though he didn't say anything. I knew he was hurt. I thought it over and I realized that I felt guilty because I still love him.

It was after his graduation day that I finally gathered the guts to tell him that I was sorry for what I did, and that I still love him. I thought I was the only one with a revelation to make, but I was wrong. He told me that he also loved me before, but he had to stay away for a time because he didn't want to be unfair to me because of Jen. He thanked me for loving him, and apologized for hurting me. He brought me home that night, and I introduced him to my mom. It started that night, and up to now he's close to my family. I never thought that we'd come to this point. We still are not in any kind of special relationship. He acts as if he's my boyfriend, and I should be happy about it. But it's not healthy because it's painful. We do things that are past our limitations as friends. I know it's wrong, so wrong. It also hurts because he has all the right to date someone else. I can too, but I'm not so sure I want to. And lately, news is spreading that Mark has his eyes on this girl. Her mom even cooks for him, and he spends the night at their house every Friday to do some art work. I know it's not impossible for them to fall in love with each other.

Joe, I love him. And the fact hurts that one of these days, news might come to me that Mark has a girlfriend already. I love him but I'm not sure if he loves me. I want to ask him how exactly I figure in his life. Am I just a friend? I know I should do my best to keep him. But sometimes I feel like I should be learning to let him go. I don't know if I make any sense, Joe. But please, tell me the best thing to do. Thanks and more power to LoveNotes.

Marie

Dear Marie,

You seem to be giving up a fight which you haven't even started yet. I know sometimes it feels safer to sacrifice what we feel than to be open about it and be rejected in the end. But, as the saying goes, it's better to have loved and failed than not to have loved at all because we were afraid of what it could have brought us.

There are a lot of people who get into the "friendship-with-benefits" kind of relationship. They enjoy the benefits of having a boyfriend or girlfriend minus the commitment that would bind them. This kind of arrangement would work fine for as long as the two are focused on each other. But the moment one deviates his or her attention to someone else, then the imbalance tips the relationship and puts the aggrieved party on the losing end.

Remember, any relationship entails some form of emotional investment. We just can't give up someone without feeling some kind of loss. Marie, you seem like you are giving up on Mark even when you haven't really started seriously talking to him about your relationship. Intimacy is never a stable foundation for a relationship because real relationships are built on feelings and not only physical convenience. You may be enjoying the perks of having a boyfriend but you really haven't been talking about your real role in Mark's life.

This initiative should come from you, Marie. Be prepared for what he has to say. If he truly loves you then you have to do your best to keep him. But if he loves you just because of what you can give him, then you should be thinking more of learning to let him go. Marie, I have always believed in fighting for the people we love for as long as we can within the bounds of reason. If we win it, then it means that we deserve it, but if we lose it then it means it is not for us. Let us always remember that we do not fail when we lose the love that we have fought for. We only fail when we lose the courage to try.

Joe

Tempted and Tortured

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango


Dear Joe,

Just call me Rupert, a college student from the university belt. I had a best friend named Noli who had a wonderful wife named Lara. Meanwhile, I had a girlfriend. Noli's job called for him to be away for about two months, so he told me to watch over his wife and kid. During that time I realized I was starting to like Lara. When Noli was already abroad my girlfriend and I broke up. I had a couple of drinks, and guess who was there to comfort me. Yes, it was Lara. Noli heard about the break-up, and he knew that we were drinking with some friends. Lara was drinking because of Noli, and I was drinking because of my ex. One night when she got drunk, we kissed. After the kiss, I found myself in an affair that changed my life.

We agreed that when Noli came back, it would be over. When Noli came home, I tried to break it up with Lara but she was hesitant to do so. Noli was so kind to me I couldn't look him in the eye; I felt so guilty. Lara and I decided to go back to school to have a world of our own. Our classmates didn't know about the situation and thought we were just typical sweethearts. We hid the relationship for almost two years until one evening when Lara asked me to come for some drinks because Noli was already sleeping. I came over and Noli caught us together. But instead of hitting me, he just told me to get out of his house. But it didn't end there, Joe. Lara was so into me that she said she'd leave Noli for me. Well, I told myself that the affair is not doing us-or her child-any good. So I ended it for everybody's sake. I heard that Noli has forgiven Lara and they are still together.

I'm happy for them and I admire Noli for his kindness. After the affair, I tried to get over Lara and had a few relationships, which all failed.

I lost a best friend and a lover at the same time and I'm still guilty over what happened. So many questions are still left unanswered. Does Lara still love me? Did that affair make me less of a man because I gave in to the temptation?


Sincerely yours,

Rupert

Dear Rupert,

Honestly, being tempted into an affair with Lara didn't make you less of a man. It was betraying your best friend that made you less of what you are. Asking yourself if Lara still loves you means that you are still carrying emotional baggage that you should have left behind a year and a half ago. This might be the reason behind all those failed relationships that you tried to get into.

Rupert, some of us miserably fall into the lure of affairs because, most of the time, we resist looking at the bigger picture just to satisfy ourselves. Having an affair with your best friend's wife clearly shows that you were just there to enjoy what you wanted without considering the trust on which you and Noli have built your friendship. You have taken advantage of Lara's vulnerability in the absence of her husband to suit your own desires. You were able to succeed and even made her want you more than Noli, but at what price-the loss of your friendship and the guilt that is haunting you until now.

Rupert, the only way to find peace is to ask for forgiveness and to learn to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and hurt other people but, at the end of the day, the person who acknowledges his faults and asks for pardon is able to move on and reconcile with his conscience.

Rupert, remember that every time you think of how Lara feels for you, you are actually reopening that book which should have been closed and burned a long time ago. Let your best friend and his wife live in peace. That is the least that you can do to make up for all the pain that you have caused them.

May we all realize that it is not the mistake that Lara or Rupert have committed that makes this story. The real lesson here is the lesson of love that Noli has faithfully and consistently shown. Love does not seek revenge, nor does it keep a record of the wrong that we have done. Love is always kind. And most of all, love is always forgiving. No matter how deeply we have been hurt by people around us, love will always be able to accept and forgive. This is the greatest power of love. And this is what should give hope to all of us who have hurt and have been hurt by others.

Joe