Hard To Let Go

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

I must admit that I never really got out of my way to listen to you or read your articles. But, I was able to hear a couple of your shows over the radio and the pilot episode of that TV program you had a long time ago. I was amazed on how much you touched people's lives and the things you said made them different but optimistic people. Just call me Kay. I'm writing you from the Middle East (hope you don't mind if I don't mention exactly where I am 'cause that guy I'm having a problem with listens to you most of the time) I've been working here for almost 3 years now. I was going through the Inquirer when I saw this column of yours and thought maybe I should give it a shot. Anyway, there's no need to publish this letter. If you have time and can write me back then that would be enough. I would be more than grateful if one day I see your letter in my mailbox. Oh by the way, Joe, I have that CD of yours entitled Love Is All That Matters.

Here it goes...

It all started last year. I've got this female friend who wanted to introduce me to someone. 'Cause you see, Joe, I just came out from a sour relationship then. But in spite of myself, I was doing alright after that relationship. No regrets or sadness that it ended. So, this friend of mine, sensing my need for a replacement, insisted for me to meet "Rand". I put the idea aside because I didn't need another man in my life just yet. That could wait. I gave all my time and attention to my work which I somehow put aside because of that previous relationship I had. And, I was doing better every single day. Then, I was invited to an outing, which they organized partly so that I could meet Rand. I said I would come. But, of course, a last-minute excuse came up and I informed them I'd make-it up next time. It turned out that he was waiting for me. It was October then, approximately two months after, that I decided to meet this guy. But, I was ashamed that maybe he was offended that I didn't show up at that previous meeting we were supposed to have. I decided to call him and apologize. He wasn't in the house. But the one who answered the phone insisted that I leave my phone number so she could let Rand call me back. ('coz you see, this person who answered the phone is a friend of Rand's and she's the one who wants him to meet a nice girl). I was on my way to New York then, so I said maybe he wouldn't be able to catch me. I just wanted her to tell him that I was sorry for not coming, and that was the end of it. I felt that that chance of us meeting each other would not come anymore. But, she said he would call. He did. Minutes before I left the house. He sounded nice and polite, but I didn't really like his voice. It was too soft and tender. The things that needed to be said were said and then we hung up. It was a week or so when we got the chance to talk again. We would have nice conversations that lasted for an hour or two. Then, finally my friend invited me to have dinner at their house and suggested that I should let Rand come so I could see him. I told her that I didn't really like how his voice sounded over the phone so maybe I wouldn't like him at all. She reasoned that I didn't have to like him if I didn't want to, that we could be friends at least. I called him up and he said he would come. At my friend's house, I was a little fidgety and I've noticed that it was becoming very late and thought he changed his mind about coming. I was about to give-up when the doorbell rang. It was him! He was not exactly good-looking but he was very presentable. Tall and slim. Nice and quiet. But, what an appetite he had! He ate a lot, it was kind of odd for a person who had the same built that he had. But, over-all he was a pleasant guy to be with. Our conversations were more at ease after that probably because there was no need to visualize who was at the other end of the telephone. We finally knew how each of us looked like.

I felt a little change in me. I was actually excited to call him or for him to call me. All of a sudden, there was a smile on my face again. My Dad noticed it too, so whenever he called and I was asleep my Dad would wake me up. He knew that I was happy. And I was. Our days and weeks would be a routine. A day wouldn't pass with us not talking to each other. It was a nice and warm feeling to know that somebody was out there. We met a couple of times more. And there was this time that we went to the beach with a group of friends. We got closer then. And sometimes, our hands would touch for a brief moment. Or just a look at each other's eyes and a smile on our lips were enough to get a point across. He would look for me or I for him whenever we lost sight of each other. I suddenly realized that I liked him! But, that was it! There were no words of explanation to be said. Why the touch? Why that look? Or why that smile? We continued with our phone calls. I found out that he was a really sweet guy. That kind of person who can give you a glowing feeling inside. I was very inspired in all the things I've been doing. Suddenly, working was less difficult. Laughing was a constant companion. That glow in my eyes and that smile on my lips were making me look more alive.

Then, came that day that he told me that a memo from his office was passed on. He would be re-assigned in Manila. He had a hunch about this, but I kept telling him that there was still a chance that his hunch wouldn't happen. But I was wrong. So, what was a temporary vacation (because it was like 2 weeks before Christmas) became a permanent transfer. I didn't know what to feel. I was very sad alright, but I told myself that it is for work. That thought didn't make a whole new difference to me. He was still leaving. And what made it even worse is that I never really know how he felt for me. Yes, I could hear a fondness in his voice. And I could think of reasons that would please myself. But, just like what I said there were no explanations. So, he left without really saying anything.

Rand is in Manila now. We send each other text messages or we would talk whenever I get the chance to go home. Last April, though, we were able to see each other twice. And he doesn't really exert much effort to see me whenever I got home. I could never see what he felt inside. He didn't say anything. So, I didn't ask him to. He called me from Manila a few days ago. I don't really know what that meant. He would let me know where he is or what he's doing through text messages and a couple of "take cares" at the end. But, that was it. A mutual friend of ours asked him if he liked me. And his answer was yes, but that he wasn't ready for a commitment yet and if so, he wanted a relationship right down to a wedding.

Joe, I don't know what to think anymore. I know I'm not supposed to expect anything from him. That's not right. A friend told me that he wouldn't call me from overseas just to ask how I'm doin', if he doesn't feel anything. And, of course I'm a woman, I know when somebody likes me or not. As much as I would like to conclude that he likes me, at the back of my mind there's still a little voice that says: "What if I'm wrong?" What if he doesn't want to cut the communication because he feels that I can be a good friend, and that's all I'd ever be to him. He's out there now, so free compared to what he had here. He's exposed to a lot of people, a lot of girls. He could be walking one day and bump into that woman he would bring to the altar. And I'm left waiting for explanations. I would like to stop hoping now. I want to tell myself that we could not be more than friends ever. And focus my attention to other guys who are interested in me. I went out on a couple of dates, but I still think about him. He continues to inspire me everyday. And living in this restricted country is not that bad because I have him to think about. Being far away from him isn't something to be sad about, but it makes me stronger and happier knowing that he's out there somewhere. But, I'm afraid that one day he would come to realize that he feels nothing for me. I've thought about this of course, which makes me want to stop hoping already because I'm the one bound to be hurt at the end. But, what if I'm wrong? What if he's the right guy for me, and I lose him just because I didn't wait long enough. What should I do? Should I stop? Should I wait? Or should I just forget him? Yes, it is very hard to let go and say good-bye, but if that's the only way to make everything right...I could.

Thanks, Joe! I hope to hear from you soon. And do me a favor: If you decide to publish this letter, can you let me know? Thru the email would be fine. Just so I could let somebody buy a copy of the Inquirer for me. And if also you decide to air this, I'd like the song "It might be you". We'll never know, it might really be him...

Take care and I pray that the Lord will give you more knowledge so you can continue to help people in need and heal them of their burdens.

KAY



Dear Kay,

There are times in our relationships when words are never said and all we hear are unspoken sentiments concealed in glances and implicit gestures. Times when we choose to remain silent because we are afraid of what our words may bring and what our expressions may reveal.

Kay, it is indeed inspiring to live our lives for someone who we hope would, one day , share forever with us. But if this hope will be based on feelings and not fact , then we might just wake up one day being sorry for wanting too much.

You are afraid to wake up to a bad dream and you want to give up a fight which you haven't fought yet. Why don't you express your feelings and let Rand see beyond your silence. Communication is the first step in building a relationship. Without this vital element, all and every effort would just be like kisses in the wind.

Kay, if you really like Rand. Give him your best shot. See how he reacts and take your next step from there. You can hold on and wait for love or say goodbye and move on. Turning our backs on someone who inspires us should not be a choice but an option. We give up only when we have tried and we should keep on trying until we exhaust all our reason to hang on.

Let us always remember that it is better to lose a battle that we fought than to lose a battle that we never had had the courage to face.

Joe