Breaking His Heart

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dearest Joe,

I've been in this dilemma now for weeks. I've thought of sharing this with you because I like the way you give advice. You always opt for what is morally correct and I admire you for that. I will not be using our true names to protect our identities.

Mar and I met right after graduation when we were reviewing for the board exams. He has a GF at that time and with the way he talks about her, I could tell he really isn't serious with her. We became close. I charmed him unconsciously and my friends noticed that he's kind of 'falling for me'. I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time having just got out from a serious one right after graduation. Needless to say, he broke her girlfriend's heart and pursued me. I knew I liked him, but I was not sure at that moment if I loved him. I enjoyed his company and found it easy to confide to him. I told him the reason why I split-up with my ex-boyfriend. I told him how resent the fact that my ex was insecure, over sensitive, possessive and a little irresponsible. So, Mar wasn't all these. That's what I saw.

Joe, Mar's an immigrant and he was about to leave for the states right after board exams. We were constantly together but I never gave him any concrete answer if I love him or not or if I'll still are free if he comes back. Everything was uncertain when he left. The only thing certain then was that he's very in love with me and that I like him very much. So he left and he would write me everyday for the four months while he was away. Joe, I fell for the Mar I knew. The caring, responsible, patient and loving person that he was. We became a couple everyone approved of when he came back.

But little by little, Joe, I discovered his other side. The one he never showed me. I saw that he was insecure most of the time, possessive, impatient and untrusting - everything I hated in my ex-boyfriend. But he was loving and very attentive to me. He loves me very much and I know he would do anything to keep me. So, I endured all his shortcomings as he would endure my moods and stubbornness. I was lucky to be loved by someone like him. But time came when I felt suffocated by his too much attention.

He was about to leave for the states again and it was an opportunity I looked forward to. Finally, I can have time alone. But before Mar left, I promised him that we'd get married after about two years.

That was my mistake, Joe. I knew there were some things I hated in him and that I can not live with. My mother would always tell me, 'never expect someone to change for the better when you marry him, because there's a big possibility that he wont change and this will break your heart'. And I have always kept that in my mind.

He's been away for more than 6 months now and I find myself being attracted to other men. I don't think about him as my future husband. I'm not sweet to him anymore when we talk on the phone and I can not say 'I love you', anymore. I know he observed this and I know I should be honest with him but as much as hate being untrue, I also hate the thought of breaking his heart. You see, Joe, he loves me so much and has built a castle of dreams for me. Telling him I have fallen out of love him is like throwing a bomb on that dream. Whenever we talk on the phone, I'd wait for him to ask if something was wrong and yet I dread the thought of him asking me.

I know I should tell him the truth. The problem is how do I explain to him, to my family (who adores him), to our friends, to his family and to almost everyone who knew we're to be together forever that it won't be so.

I pray to God to help me and guide me with my decision. I know I'd be hurting him with this but I also know it is wrong if I tell him I still love him when I don't. Please guide and tell me how I should tell him gently without shattering his life.

Thank you, Joe and more power to you.

Angel

Dear Angel,

It is true that the only thing constant in this world is change. Not even love can always make a promise that it can keep forever. There are times when we are overwhelmed by our attraction towards someone. This overflowing of affection grows beyond our capacity to rightfully perceive the difference between liking and loving. These two things have a lot in common. How can we like someone if we don't have the element of love in it and how can we love someone if we don't even like that person?

Though liking and loving are similar in many ways, they are still worlds apart when they become the basis for long term commitments. When we like someone, there is always a physical trait attributed to that. There would always have to be a basis for liking that person. But we can learn to love someone who has fallen way short of our physical expectations. We can love with our eyes closed but we can like only the things we see.

Angel, you have gotten yourself into a commitment based on what you have perceived Mar to be. But he unexpectedly turned out to be exactly like your ex-boyfriend - impatient, possessive and untrusting. But now, you have already made a promise that you might not be able to keep forever. Marrying him in two years was something you just probably said out of confusion. But, it certainly didn't come from the heart. It was not a promise you made out of love but a promise out of an obligation. You have given Mar the false hope of waiting for something that isn't there anymore. Breaking that promise would surely break his heart into pieces.

But, I believe that you don't have much of an option but to be true to what you feel. You simply have to be honest in telling him that you don't feel the same anymore. It is just rather selfish because you are going to do this for yourself, more than anyone else. There is no easy way to say " I don't love you anymore." There is no easy way to break his heart because that would mean shattering his dreams as well.

It is sad because , sometimes, the people we love most are the ones who are going to hurt us most . But life is just full of surprises. Love doesn't always have happy but bitter endings. It is a reality that we have to face and a challenge that we have to endure. I just hope , Angel that for whatever it is worth, breaking up with Mar would finally give you the peace of mind and the freedom you wanted.

I also hope that this would serve as a lesson: that love should not be based on what a person is or what he is not. Love should not measure what someone has or what someone doesn't have . Love is something that we should give because we want to give it and not because we hope to get something in return. Let us always remember that only when we make relationships out of love can we have the chance to keep it and make it last forever.

Love,
Joe