When the ‘I’ Replaces the ‘We’ in a Relationship

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,
Although Ben is six years my senior, we enjoyed each other’s company. I was still a student then and he was an FX driver. When he and I met, I still had a boyfriend, but that relationship didn’t last. My ex-boyfriend lied to me all the time and when we broke up, Ben became my light. We were so happy together.

I accepted Ben for what he was because I loved him, but he never seemed to accept me for what I was. He would often nag me about what I had to do, even if it was just school stuff. We would fight a lot. I lost his trust when I lied to him so he became really strict with me. But I told myself that he was a good catch and that I shouldn’t just let a good man go. My family was difficult, but he won them over.

Months passed and he continued to be strict with me. I couldn’t even enjoy my last two years in college because he was always around to check on me. I didn’t complain because I thought it would make him accept me. I was hoping that doing what he wanted would make him trust me.
I’m now working for an international company. About six months ago, Ben decided to go back to studying. I was really against it because he was already a Physical Therapy graduate. I wanted him to review for the battery of exams and pursue being a therapist, but he just ignored me. I never made him feel bad about the things he couldn’t give me even if I was hurting inside. I graduated from Mass Comm with high grades, but I didn’t look for a job in that field because I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough time to spend with him and my family.

Three months after he went back to study, he became too preoccupied with school. I want to understand him, but I just feel that it’s so unfair. I find it so selfish of him. We’ve become cold to each other but we’re just too scared to admit it. It’s as if he doesn’t want me to succeed or to have my own life. I know we still love each other, but honestly I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sincerely yours,
Anna


Anna,


I completely understand what you are going through. You may not be aware of it but you are actually competing with each other, and competition in a relationship kills. You want to pursue something which you believe would make you a better person but he doesn’t want it. You want him to follow his line of education but he wants something else. Now the “I” has become the priority over the “you” and the “we.” You are living on the same plane but existing in two different worlds.

Anna, it seems that Ben has everything focused on himself more than anybody else. A relationship that veers towards just one side of the road can never truly succeed because it is not only his happiness that should matter but yours as well. The fact that you feel this way towards him means that there is something that needs to be addressed. You have come to a point in your relationship when romance has faded away and has been replaced by feelings of resentment and indifference.

One of the greatest measures of love is its ability to let the other person grow with freedom and not with fear. Love should be able to give us enough space to be ourselves and explore our world yet still be within reach of caring and protective arms. Love should be happy when others succeed and make good in their ways. Love should be concerned not only with its own needs but that of others as well. When we learn to love without comparing and counting, then we have learned to love the way we should.

Anna, you have already given so much of yourself. You deserve to be happy with the person who will love you more than he loves himself. Give yourself the chance to find that person and you will discover the happiness in knowing that you are loved more than anything else in this world.

Joe