The Risk of a Lifelong Commitment

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,

Just call me Cathy. I’m presently residing here in Rome, the Eternal City.

I met Mark in second year college. At first I didn’t really like him because he seemed arrogant.
He lived next to my apartment, and all his friends did was make noise with their songs and loud guitars. One day, he greeted me and to my amazement, I smiled and said hi, too.

It all started there. And we were suddenly falling in love with each other. I was so touched when he left his girlfriend for me. Our first three years were really great and full of romance. During our fourth year, he met a model who became his textmate. He was distracted and I became very jealous. We had a terrible fight. It came to a point that he was hurting me physically, so I gave him up.

I decided to stay with my parents here in Rome. Here, I met Daniel, who is half-Italian and half-Filipino, and very kind to me. At first we were so happy. The only problem with him is that he lacks a sense of responsibility. Here in Rome, either you study in a university or you work to earn for a living. He doesn’t want to do any of the two; he just wants to play and hang around.

I joined a travel agency and met John, the guy who escorted me during my debut. What a small world! I didn’t actually know him well because he was my mother’s friend.

John and I started going out and I fell for him. He picked me up one time and kissed me inside his car. It was the sweetest kiss I had ever had. I found the greatest love in John. I felt that he loved me so much and that his family accepts me. My problem is that John is so afraid of marriage and always says he’s not yet ready. On my birthday, he asked me to meet him in a jewelry shop. He wanted me to choose a ring that he would buy for me. I’m not fond of jewelry but it’s so flattering when the one you love gives it to you. It made me feel special. But when we were about to buy it, he changed his mind again.

Please enlighten me Joe. I don’t understand him. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. How can I make him commit to me?

Cathy


Dear Cathy,

It is not unusual for any person in a relationship to be apprehensive about marriage. For many people, marriage is the ultimate and final bond that they would commit themselves to for the rest of their lives. With so many distractions and relationships failing one after the other, it is not uncommon to see men and women walk out at the first serious sign of commitment. Life is difficult, and sometimes we feel that even if we work so hard we still wouldn’t have enough to satisfy ourselves.

Cathy, men can make up a thousand excuses for not consenting to marriage. But whatever their justifications may be, they just point out one simple fact—they still do not find the relationship compelling enough to make a complete turn in their lives. Love is the fire that burns the desire to be with someone forever. Your boyfriend loves you, but he still doesn’t love you enough to take the risk of a lifelong commitment. Love knows no fear, and people who marry because of love sacrifice and commit themselves in making their marriage last.

Cathy, at the end of the day, it would still be your boyfriend’s decision. Your task is to make him realize that there is only one you, and if he lets this chance pass there may never be another one. He has to feel that you are the single most important person in this world for him. Loving you should be the only thing that he would want to do. It’s easier said than done but believe me, men do take their strength from the women they love. Make him happy because he chose you instead of making him feel guilty because he passed on his chance of being with the woman who loves him more than anything else in this world.

Joe

When the ‘I’ Replaces the ‘We’ in a Relationship

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,
Although Ben is six years my senior, we enjoyed each other’s company. I was still a student then and he was an FX driver. When he and I met, I still had a boyfriend, but that relationship didn’t last. My ex-boyfriend lied to me all the time and when we broke up, Ben became my light. We were so happy together.

I accepted Ben for what he was because I loved him, but he never seemed to accept me for what I was. He would often nag me about what I had to do, even if it was just school stuff. We would fight a lot. I lost his trust when I lied to him so he became really strict with me. But I told myself that he was a good catch and that I shouldn’t just let a good man go. My family was difficult, but he won them over.

Months passed and he continued to be strict with me. I couldn’t even enjoy my last two years in college because he was always around to check on me. I didn’t complain because I thought it would make him accept me. I was hoping that doing what he wanted would make him trust me.
I’m now working for an international company. About six months ago, Ben decided to go back to studying. I was really against it because he was already a Physical Therapy graduate. I wanted him to review for the battery of exams and pursue being a therapist, but he just ignored me. I never made him feel bad about the things he couldn’t give me even if I was hurting inside. I graduated from Mass Comm with high grades, but I didn’t look for a job in that field because I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough time to spend with him and my family.

Three months after he went back to study, he became too preoccupied with school. I want to understand him, but I just feel that it’s so unfair. I find it so selfish of him. We’ve become cold to each other but we’re just too scared to admit it. It’s as if he doesn’t want me to succeed or to have my own life. I know we still love each other, but honestly I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sincerely yours,
Anna


Anna,


I completely understand what you are going through. You may not be aware of it but you are actually competing with each other, and competition in a relationship kills. You want to pursue something which you believe would make you a better person but he doesn’t want it. You want him to follow his line of education but he wants something else. Now the “I” has become the priority over the “you” and the “we.” You are living on the same plane but existing in two different worlds.

Anna, it seems that Ben has everything focused on himself more than anybody else. A relationship that veers towards just one side of the road can never truly succeed because it is not only his happiness that should matter but yours as well. The fact that you feel this way towards him means that there is something that needs to be addressed. You have come to a point in your relationship when romance has faded away and has been replaced by feelings of resentment and indifference.

One of the greatest measures of love is its ability to let the other person grow with freedom and not with fear. Love should be able to give us enough space to be ourselves and explore our world yet still be within reach of caring and protective arms. Love should be happy when others succeed and make good in their ways. Love should be concerned not only with its own needs but that of others as well. When we learn to love without comparing and counting, then we have learned to love the way we should.

Anna, you have already given so much of yourself. You deserve to be happy with the person who will love you more than he loves himself. Give yourself the chance to find that person and you will discover the happiness in knowing that you are loved more than anything else in this world.

Joe

To Be Loved in Return

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,

It all started last November when my best friend called me up. He was having a drinking session with his wife and friends, and asked me to join them. He had introduced me years ago to Pam, whom I had a crush on, and when he gave the phone to her, everything changed. We talked like old friends. Pam gave me her home number and I started calling her every day until I fell in love with her. Finally, the day came when we became a couple. I was so happy. Last January 6, it was the birthday of my best friend’s wife, and everybody was busy having fun. I took the microphone, and everybody thought that I was going to sing. Instead, I gave a little speech about my girlfriend Pam, and finally I asked her to marry me. Everybody cheered and I cried when she said yes. It was the happiest moment of my life.

When Pam and I got together she had this family problem that I understood and accepted. I had no reservations, because she was my fiancée, and I was willing to be there for her. She received a job offer from one of the prestigious hotels in Makati, so I told her to grab it, and that she could do it. But she became so dedicated to her job that she didn’t have time for me anymore. It got even worse when she was transferred to banquet—no text messages and no phone calls. We started fighting, and she told me I didn't understand her. How could I, when she didn’t even talk to me? Every time I text her, she never answers. When I asked her if she still loves me, she said she didn’t know. I tried breaking up with her, but she told me to wait. Wait for what?

It's been weeks since we last talked. I do miss her. I can't stop thinking about her, but I think I'm the only one who still believes in this relationship. I don't know what to do.

Willie


Dear Willie,
Pam's disinterest could be a manifestation of an inner crisis that she is probably going through right now. Saying that she doesn't know if she loves you is another way of saying she doesn't love you. Being indifferent to your feelings and not reacting to a break-up means she couldn't care less.

Honestly, Willie, it looks like she has her own world now, and whatever it was that you thought you had when she said yes to your marriage proposal means nothing to her now. She could probably be going through a very difficult time in her life now, but I believe that the least she can do is be honest with you about what she truly feels and not keep you hanging and waiting for something that probably won’t happen anymore. If telling someone that we love him or her is essential, then I think letting that person know if that love isn't there anymore is equally important.

Willie, I know how much you love Pam and how much you are willing to do anything for her, but you have to realize that there comes a time in a relationship when simply loving someone isn't enough, when being loved in return becomes as vital as loving the other person. If Pam doesn't love you anymore, then there is no more reason for you to stay. The only way to stop hurting is to stop wanting, and the only way to stop wanting is to start accepting that she is probably not the same person anymore. Then and only then can you move on to finding the happiness that becomes truly rewarding when shared with the person who loves us in the same way.

Joe

A Subtle Obsession

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,

I met Paul less than a year ago, and we got along well because we share a lot of common interests. Many conversations later, he asked me to be his date to a party, and I agreed. So we went to the party. It was a swell evening, and he was indeed a gentleman. However, I felt guilty the following day because I knew he had a girlfriend. He never mentioned it to me, but I secretly found out about it. I just let it pass because at that time, the events didn't mean anything to me. They were just friendly dates, so I put no malice into it. That is, until after a couple more months when I started liking him. A friend of mine even told me that perhaps Paul liked me too, because a guy wouldn't bring a girl to a special occasion as his date if she didn't mean anything to him.

I'm sure he loves his girlfriend, but he rarely ever mentions her. Sometimes I have to bring her up first and kid around just so the conversation would sound normal, though it's hurting me inside. Now we're still good friends, and he always asks me about my day, my love life, and other stories. Just last week, I told him that I now have a boyfriend. He teased me about it, and I teased him about his girlfriend. He sends me meaningful messages, and sometimes I even feel a bit of jealousy from him. He always compliments me, and when we're together he's very thoughtful and a little sweet.

I don't know, Joe. He leaves me hanging. I feel very excited and secure when we're together. Sometimes I think that maybe he's just playing around, waiting for me to fall for him so he can take advantage and make me his "other girl." Sometimes I think he's just a very friendly guy and I'm the one who's putting malice into everything.

I don't love him yet, but I think I'm falling for him. I've already tried ignoring him for a month, but it only made me more eager to see him. Joe, I'm in dire need of your help. What's going on between Paul and me, and what I should do?

Raine


Dear Raine,

It is obvious that you are extremely attracted to each other, and I don't see anything wrong with it. It is how you deal with this situation that would make the difference.

It would be very difficult to figure out what his real intention is, knowing that he is still committed to another girl. The fact that he doesn't mention her to you means that he wants you not to feel guilty when you're with him. I believe he is intentionally trying to win your trust and your feelings.

He is actually doing a good job, because you are falling for him. What he feels for you may not essentially be the same as what you feel for him. He is probably just exploiting a window of opportunity to flirt but not necessarily commit to another woman. He could have told you about problems with his girlfriend if he really just wanted to win your sympathy. But the fact the he keeps her out of the picture shows that he may not have sincere intentions.

Raine, I'm actually more concerned about your wishing, wanting and waiting. You have entered into some sort of a subtle obsession with Paul. You can be dragged deeper into this if you do not become sensible about this whole attraction thing. It would have been a lot easier if he hadn't been committed to his girlfriend. I think what you owe yourself is the truth.

If you really like him, then let him know about it. But do not expect any return. Just let him know, and move on with your life. Let his actions tell you where you really stand. If he chooses you over his girlfriend, then let him prove his worth, but if he just flirts with you, then you'll know he is not serious and will probably leave you hurting in the end.

Raine, this is the time to let your mind and not your heart tell you what to do. Feelings do not think. Love with all your heart, but let your mind sensibly tell you the difference between what you know is real love and what you think is just infatuation.

Joe

Freedom from the Past

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,

I met Mark in college. He was handsome and seemed to be nice and very generous. Even though I liked him from the start, I made the courtship last for about five months before I finally said “yes” to him.

Our first six months were blissfull, full of the purest of love. Eventually, we became intimate with each other. Giving yourself to someone you love means you want to be with him for the rest of your life, and that was how I considered our relationship. We’re both Filipino-Chinese and our families were supportive of our relationship.

Then my best friend told me how she once saw Mark holding hands with a girl as they entered the cinema in a mall. I didn’t believe her and that strained our friendship. I only realized that my best friend Joyce was telling the truth one night when the girl called me asking if Mark and I were still together. I told her that we were very much together and were already engaged. The girl met me at a restaurant and, to my shock, showed me all her pictures with Mark, his hand-written letters and the notes from the flowers he had sent her. I wanted to die that very instant. It wasn’t just the fact that Mark cheated on me, but seeing the photos of them together at the same places he used to take me, hit me like a bullet straight to the heart. The girl left me alone in the restaurant crying. No apologies. Maybe what she wanted was to make me leave Mark.

I never told Mark about my meeting with his other girl. Instead, I played the martyr and pretended to be blind and deaf, hoping that somehow I could win Mark’s heart back and he would forget the girl. But I failed, and after five foolish months, I finally gave up.

Years have passed, but the hurt and the longing for Mark are still here. I tried to open my heart to others and had two unsuccessful relationships after Mark. I had a hard time trusting men and developed an attitude of just giving up when things are getting a little shaky. My last relationship was okay. The guy really loved me and took care of me. The only problem was, he’s not Chinese. I may not have loved the guy like I loved Mark, but I rebelled just to seek contentment and, hopefully, happiness. I got pregnant and got married in civil rites. Still, I wasn’t happy and the marriage wasn’t working.

My family hid me to escape the shame and disgrace from our relatives and friends. For me, it wasn’t that bad. I don’t really care about what other people say about how I run my life. But then I have wronged my parents and so to make up for it, I followed what they wanted. When I gave birth to my son, he provided all the happiness I ever longed to have. My baby has a very distinctive Chinese look. He was the tie that bonded my family back together. My best friend and I became friends again and became closer than ever. And she is also the godmother of my baby.

Mark and I did not keep in touch. I only heard of news about him through common friends. I thought that was how it’s going to be until Mark came over to our house. After four years, he had the gall to face me like nothing wrong had happened. He held my hand and said sorry. For me, sorry wasn’t enough. I wanted to slap him but I couldn’t. I just cried and spilled out what I wanted to tell him for a long time. After I had unloaded all my misery, I felt a little better. He mentioned my baby, told me that he looked like me. I just said, “Yeah, he could have been yours and mine anyway.” He quickly changed the topic and talked about his work.

Our conversation ended quite well. For me, I said what I had to say. It was a relief but then I still miss him.

Joe, I admit I’m still not over Mark. What he said before he left my house gave me hope to pursue what my heart tells me to do. But then, I’m scared of taking another risk and be sorry my whole life.

Ivy


Dear Ivy,

I wanted to tell you that things would have been a lot less complicated had you not rebelled and married for the wrong reason. But I guess it’s too late now. You are married to your lawful husband and it doesn’t really matter if you still love each other or not. You will remain married to each other unless you opt to legitimately put an end to it.

This is just the other side of the coin. Another equally important aspect of this dilemma is Mark and your feelings for each other. You still love him up to now. You are still hoping against all hope that he will find his way back to you. He did but he left you hanging with a wishful hope of a reunion which may or may not happen at all.

Ivy, I have always believed that there is nothing wrong with loving a person but when our world stops because of that love, when we lose sight of our own selves because of our longing to be with someone, when we begin to compromise in favor of what our heart dictates, then we will lose our ability to act and think rationally and make sensible decisions.

Having all your sentiments made known to Mark is one giant step to freedom. Freedom from your past. Ivy, no one knows what the future holds for us. Let us all make the best of today so we can always look back with a smile and look forward to tomorrow with the hope of not making the same mistakes again and the hope of finding love that will last us our lifetime.

Joe

The Wrong Kind of Love?

From Love Notes Of Joe D' Mango

Dear Joe,

I am Gian, 24, and currently working in a five-star hotel in Manila. I decided to write to you because I’m confused. Nobody knows what I’m going through. You see, I had a number of girlfriends before and, though I enjoyed being with them, I really never felt deeply in love with anyone of them.

I never felt the real intensity of love until I met Lewis. Yes Joe, you read it right. It’s Lewis, and he’s a guy. I don’t know where to begin but I guess everything started when he became a co-worker, though a contractual one. When he was first introduced to me, I immediately noticed his good looks and perfect smile. But modesty aside, I am also gifted with good physical looks.

But cliched as it may sound, I believe that it was destiny that brought us together. We went out in a group but we set a day where we could bond together, just the two of us. We would go malling, eat and even watch movies together, which is very odd for two guys to do. More than his outward appearance, I was impressed by his kindness and understanding.

One time, we had a misunderstanding. I texted him and blamed him for our shallow fight. His reply almost made me fall off my seat. He said, I’m sorry for everything! I love you!" I texted him by saying, “I love you, too.” However, we never discussed the issue the following day. He would usually ask me to sleep over at his apartment. We share the same bed but nothing sexual happened between the two of us. That’s the time when I realized that I was slowly falling in love with Lewis. My love for him is beyond platonic and it has gone deeper and deeper without me realizing that the end of his contract was getting near.

When his contract expired and he left, I lost my focus. But then again, I did not want other people to know that I was dying of loneliness. He would text and call me once in a while. I really wanted to admit my real feelings but the fear of rejection prevented me from doing so. Just last month, he invited me to come to his birthday. I decided to go with common friends. .

After an hour, I decided to leave. As I walked toward my car, he hurriedly went to me and gave me a hug. I asked Lewis if he was drunk while slowly pushing him away. He said he wasn’t and then he embraced me for the second time. While driving home, I couldn’t help but cry. I hated myself for allowing this to happen.

As of now, I’m trying to forget my love for him which was wrong to begin with. I want to restart my life with a clean slate. I never thought I would be in this kind of situation. How could I forget him, Joe?

Please help me.
Gian


Gian,

Life indeed is full of surprises. We just don’t know what will come knocking at our doors next. Gian, you are not alone in this quest for identity. I have heard from many like you who are going through the same dilemma. It is difficult to come to a realization that there exists within us another person unexpectedly and totally different from us. It is like a mysterious flame glowing through cold ash.

I have always said that it is not in loving a person that we commit sin but it is what we do when we love beyond the limits of reason that makes it wrong. Gian, your moral sensors made you aware of the implication of such a relationship. The hardship you are going through reflects your internal conflict but your ability to rationalize means that you are still capable of changing the course of your life.

If you really want to forget him then you have to stop thinking about him. He may not be in your face but you have allowed him to remain at the back of your mind. And the mind is very powerful. The people who we do not remember are the people who mean little to us and the people we love are those we do not forget. If we stop loving a person then we can start forgetting. But for as long as our hearts are connected then all efforts to rule over our emotion will mean nothing.

Gian, we become who we think and believe we are. Be yourself and remember that we can only be truly happy when we are at peace with our inner selves and when we are in harmony with the people we love and the people who love us.

Joe