Between Love and Friendship

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

Just call me Anna. I'm a fine arts student in a long-term and happy relationship. But I am tormented right now by some feelings that I cannot explain.

While I've been in a satisfying five-year relationship, I have this friend that I have feelings for. He's special but I never told him that for fear of losing our friendship. But it sometimes feels like he has some feelings for me, too. Joe, if that is true, how does one know for sure?

My friend and I used to be classmates before we became very close friends. All this time, I have told myself that it was nothing but friendship. But when my boyfriend and I broke up, this friend was always there for me. He helped me through those three months of sadness. In fact our classmates thought that he was courting me because he would always bring me home in his car. But to me, it was just an act of generosity. Besides, we'd always go as a group. I'd often stay in the back seat with our other friends. Often I'd see

him staring at me from the car's rear view mirror. When I'd catch his eye, he'd shift his glance to our other friends. He would also treat me out often and take me to places with beautiful scenery. When we were new friends, he told me how he envied my boyfriend for having a girl like me.

When my boyfriend came back to me, my friend continued to send me sweet messages that made my boyfriend jealous. He became a constant source of discord between us. While I defended him for being just a friend, deep inside I knew that I felt something for him. He has no girlfriend, and my other friends say it is probably because of me. But this friend would firmly answer in the negative. It was his choice and besides, he says, he doesn't have plans of stealing somebody else's girl. But he remains silent about his feelings. If actions do speak louder than words, what should my conclusion be?

I don't have any plans to break up with my boyfriend, for my family likes him a lot and that matters to me. All I want to know, just before graduating, is if I am special to this friend in the way that he is special to me. Joe, is this love or friendship?

Yours truly,
Anna



Dear Anna,

Sometimes the line that separates friendship and love becomes obscure because our emotion crosses beyond that which is spoken, and expresses itself openly in actions and gestures that speak more of love than friendship.

Honestly, I believe that your friend is very fond of you. It pleases him to see you happy and he takes it upon himself to be responsible for your safety. He likes to secretly stare at you because you occupy a special place in his heart. He could have had everything set out perfectly, except for one thing. He never told you what it all meant. He never said what he truly feels for you. He is a classic example of a man who has a very big heart but a very small voice.

Anna, I know that you have a feeling that he likes you too. You just need affirmation that what you feel is true. I don't see anything wrong in that. What I am afraid of is what happens if you find out that it is true, that he could have been loving you from a distance all these years.

You could be missing an opportunity to be fair to yourself. All I can say is that you shouldn't stay with your boyfriend simply because your family likes him. You should stay with him because you love him. But if you are caught between your strong feelings for your best friend and your commitment to your boyfriend then you've got a lot of thinking to do. Remember, love sometimes sneaks up from the most surprising places at the most unexpected time. Let us just make sure that we are able to make sensible decisions when that happens because sometimes it is the love by accident and not the love that was contemplated that takes hold of our hearts and keeps it forever.

Joe

Don't Look Back

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

Call me Eli. I met Tammy in August 1995. She was a freshman psychology student, while I was a senior engineering student. She was one of the applicants in an organization I belonged to. She's very cute and exuberant, is enthusiastic, and has a spunky attitude.

I got to know her when she interviewed me the next month. At first she asked the required questions. I answered them in a mechanical manner. Then she playfully asked who my crush in the organization was. I said she's an applicant.

She suddenly turned red and when she egged me to be more precise, I said I couldn't. She then asked about my lovelife. Basically they were emotionally painful experiences. She listened very intently. After while, It was my turn to ask about her. She said she had boyfriends in high school but considers them just puppy loves.

She was a good conversationalist and we talked for about two hours. Tammy and I really enjoyed each other's company. One time we watched a school play. It was already dark when the play ended. While we were walking outside under the light of the moon and stars I suddenly held her hands. She was not surprised. She simply looked at me and pressed my hands. My heart leapt with joy at that moment.

We went steady; each day spent with her was filled with joy and affection. She told me our relationship was very different from previous ones and she loved me very much.

First week of February 1996, she asked me to accompany her to a hospital to visit Rene, one of her "puppy loves." He was also a freshman in our school. He was very sick and doctors said he had about a year to live. A week later Tammy broke up with me. He had asked her to come back to him if only for his remaining days.

I gave in and conceded. I was very impressed with Tammy beneath her seemingly childish ways was a generous and compassionate heart. Seven months passed and Tammy avoided my calls. She was now a sophomore. Finally in September we met again. It was our first anniversary. She said Rene's health was greatly improving. While she was talking she avoided looking at me and said she really loved Rene. I was hurt. I told her she was only conditioning her mind to prove to Rene that her intentions were true and not borne out of pity. She walked away.

Last December I chanced upon Tammy at an annual Christmas event at the campus. She was at the exact position where she and I watched the same event the previous year. Only this time it was someone else who was holding her hands--Rene. I was taken aback and almost cried. It was the saddest December of my life.

It is now 1997 and my love for Tammy still burns. I sometimes ask myself why everytime I fall in love it fails, and why there are so few girls like Tammy in this world.

There are things I'm planning to do. I'm hoping that everything will turn out right.


Sincerely,
Eli



Dear Eli,

The only way to find out if someone really loves you is to set her free and let her choose her own way. It takes trust and unconditional love to do this. You have given her the freedom to explore her feelings for Rene. That, I believe, is one of love's ultimate expressions-- to be able to deny ourselves of our own happiness and sacrifice our feelings for someone we truly care about.

Hard as it is, you simply have to accept the fact that Tammy loves Rene more than she loves you. Believe me, it's better she left you rather than kept you hanging on.

If you keep on bitterly grieving over what could have been then you can never be better. For what you nurture in your heart is a disease that will slowly eat you up and leave you hopelessly alone in the end. Remember, losing Tammy doesn't mean you have failed; it simply means she wasn't meant for you. There may only be one Tammy in this world but you'll find someone better if you'd only open your heart.

We should only cry over the past once, then that's enough. Life can go on even without Tammy. Don't look back for there are no more feelings to hold on. Look ahead and you'll see the many great opportunities that await those who give themselves the chance to live and love again.

Joe

Doomed from the Start

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

First of all, I would like to commend you on your column. Not only has sharing true-to-life experiences touched our emotions, but the advice that you give is very practical and straightforward.

My name is Jojo and I'm 28 years old, working full time in our family business. As a manufacturer, we often get calls from magazine and newspaper companies asking us to advertise on their periodicals. One time, a woman dropped by the office and offered me to promote our products on their magazine. Her name was Gail and she was quite attractive. After a few meetings, I decided to consider her offer and reserve an ad.

From time to time, she would page me sweet nothings, like asking me to take care of myself, or to have a wonderful weekend. At first, I thought it was part of the business, but I remembered that I had given her the payment so it wasn't necessary to page me anymore.

Joe, she would often call me up at the office, around three to four times a day, and at home during the evening. It was during one of our conversations that I found out she was married and has two kids. I also found out that during her five-year marriage, her husband would often beat her up. I stood by her side to comfort her and as the days passed by, I couldn't help myself from caring for her.

Joe, Gail was so sweet and kind to me. She would bake for me and bring lunch over at the office. One day, I was surprised when she paged me a message saying that she loves me.

It wasn't long when I learned she had left her husband and moved to her mother's place. We had a relationship and I never felt so happy. She was all I ever wanted in a woman. Her husband would often visit her and convince her to come back but it was all too late, or so I thought.

One morning I was told that she left for the province but I had a different feeling about it. Through my persistence, I was able to find out the truth that she went back to her husband. She told me it was all for the kids but she knew very well that I was willing to take her and her kids and treat them like my own.

So she went back to her mother's house because she realized she didn't want to lose me. I forgave her and accepted her. But just as our relationship was sailing perfectly well, she disappeared again. History repeated itself again. It was Christmas time and all I did was sulk and cry. She never even thought of how I would feel. I was really hurt, Joe.

She wanted to fix her life without me, so after all the waiting and patiently receiving the blows from her emotional frustrations and anger from her husband's lack of responsibility, I was left alone all over again. It was then that I finally decided to act on what is best for me.

It has been three months now. I am slowly coping with my everyday activities but I haven't fully recovered from this traumatic experience. I have never loved anyone like this. From time to time, Joe, I would still get painful lapses in my heart whenever I am reminded of her.

What is so painful is that she was the one who made the first move towards having a relationship. Why didn't she consider what I would have felt? Why did she let me fall in love with her? She knew she was married, so why did she allow herself to fall for someone else?

Even if everyone disagrees with our relationship, I still fought for her; she left three times and each time she came back she would swear never to leave me again only to break her promises in the end. I tried extremely hard to make this work and I was very patient with her. I guess my only mistake was to love her honestly, truthfully and sincerely.

Joe, if it weren't for the kind understanding of my family and the consistent support of my good friends, most probably, I wouldn't be here writing this letter.

Now I realized that what we had going was a sin and I knew that I had to end this affair. But how can I keep the pain from numbing my senses? Joe, she has rained my life and left me with no peace in mind, and for that I could never forgive her.

Thank you very much and God bless you and your family.

Best regards,
Jojo



Dear Jojo,

Everyone knows that an affair with a married person will always be doomed from the start. Not even what others feel as love would be enough to justify illicit intimacy. But it still happens because most of the time strong passionate desires run over our will to do what is right. Sometimes we simply ignore our conscience and just go with the flow of our impaired judgement and biased emotions.

Jojo, you're lucky you have your family and friends. Others have to go through all of the hurt in their lives all by themselves. Don't try to blame Gail for what you feel. None of these would have happened hadn't you allowed yourself to fall for her charms.

Somehow, you have to admit that you were flattered by her sweetness and the attention she had given you. You gave in even if you knew right from the start that you were on the losing end of a relationship that was never meant for you.

You will never find the peace that you are searching for unless you learn to accept your fate. Unless you find a space in your heart to forgive her. I don't think she ruined your life. You alone are responsible for your actions. Don't pass the blame on anybody. We are what we make our lives, Jojo. Others may fail us but they can only ruin us if we allow them to.

Jojo, don't be bitter because you have loved at all. If we lose someone, that means someone even better is yet to come. Let us always remember that only when we leave our bitterness behind can the love that we have lost be able to find its way into our hearts again.

Joe

He Is Afraid Of Being Turned Down By His Friend

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango

DEAR Joe,

I am Matthew, 22 years old, single and a graduate of a one-year computer course. I live a very simple life. I usually stay at home and take care of my three-year-old brother because until now I am not lucky enough to have a job

On July 28, 1993 my life took a big turn when my best friend Jake invited me to join their fellowship meeting held every Wednesday at a nearby congregation. I am a Catholic, who goes to mass every Sunday with my family. I make novenas, especially when I have special intentions. The fellowship meeting helped me view things in an optimistic way. I became a regular member so every Wednesday I pray and worship with my "brothers and sisters." God has not answered some of my prayers but I know He will in time. On Aug. 18, 1993, I met Kate. She ís 21 years old and a new member of our fellowship. She is very attractive, intelligent and has a great sense of humor. We became friends. We always talk about love, past affairs, how we got hurt and what we have learned from our heartaches. We were so comfortable with each other and soon, I felt my heart skip a beat every time we're together
My friend Jake knows I love her but he also knows that I am afraid of being turned down because I don't have any job and I cannot offer her anything but my love. She just might not be interested in someone like me. All my friends tell me to give it a try but I don't have the courage to tell her what I really feel.

Kate has a lot of suitors but she has not answered any of them yet. I'm afraid that one day she might fall in love and I will be left waiting and crying. I don't want to see that day because I cannot afford to lose her. I'm helplessly in love but I always find myself speechless whenever I get the chance to tell her those three little words that I have kept in my heart for so long. What should I do?

MATTHEW


I'm glad that you wrote because most men would rather keep their feelings inside than let them out in the open and be vulnerable. I know how you feel. I have felt that way many times before and I still get tongue-tied and afraid at times. This is the very same fear that will keep us away from the things that we treasure and the people we love. Most women prefer men who are honest and sincere. They don't rely on their feelings that can often be misleading. They do listen to our actions but they don't want to get into guesswork. They love to hear our thoughts and see them transform into small gestures that prove our claim. If you keep your feelings for Kate to yourself then you will never have the chance to know how she really feels for you.

There are a hundred different ways to show you care. You can start by picking out wild flowers that you'll see on your way to the church and carefully arranging them where it will catch Kate's attention. Slip a note that says how you feel about her. And don't ever make the mistake of signing it with someone else's name or initials. Write your name and make sure she knows it came from you. Be creative and adventurous. Saying "I love you" need not be expensive or extravagant. Words that come straight from the heart are far more valuable than any gift money could buy. It's now or never. It's better to get hurt because we have been true to our feelings than to be hurt because we never had the courage to express them.

Love,
Joe

Bizarre Love Triangle

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dearest Joe,

I've been a regular follower of lovenotes and I never thought that it would be my turn now to seek for your advice. My painful story happened in my workplace . The people concerned are my co-workers who happened to be the people closest in my life.

Jay had been my very first friend in the office. He is really very kind and even if he was a real suplado, we got along very well. My parents separated and I was in deep sorrow but I had no one to turn to coz my friends were so busy and were out of reach.

Jay had to go to the province to visit his ailing mom. I felt all alone although he would call me once in a while. It was during his absence that I became close to Lisa, an officemate who was like the black sheep in the office. She has no permanent friends because she's really childish and impulsive. She was the first person who noticed I wasn't feeling fine. She always checked on me and was concerned on how I was doing. She's very sweet and thoughtful although she is really very childish at that and a real spoiled brat. It was a good thing I'm a very patient person. I was the only one who understood her. She was with me during the time when I was so sad, although she had given me so many headaches, I was still thankful that she was there for me when I needed her.

Jay went back to work after a week and I was really happy. I told her about Lisa. He never liked her and asked me to stay away from her but I didn't want to leave. Lisa alone just like that so he had no choice. It wasn't long when the three of us became good friends. Jay finally proposed but I only wanted him to be a friend at that time. Just like Lisa, he became very sweet to me and would always take me home after office. Lisa knew there was something special about our friendship and so she stood as the bridge for the two of us.

After 3 months, I answered Jay. We decided to keep it from Lisa for 3 weeks and when she knew about it, she said she was a bit disappointed with us for not telling her right away. But, things went smoothly again. The three of us would go out again just like before. Everything went fine for a year for the three of us until one day, I just felt something was wrong already. Jay and Lisa became very sweet to each other. I confronted jay and told him that I needed a little respect. I wanted Lisa to keep her distance at least to define their friendship properly and to acknowledge that I'm Jay's girlfriend.

The next day, Lisa started ignoring. Jay told her about our conversation. He said I was being unfair to Lisa for thinking that way. I never argued with him about it and I just left. He didn't even bother to call me so I decided to beep him and end everything.

Lisa talked to me and patched up everything. Jay and I were back in each other's arms. I gave him another chance for he was sincere when he apologized. Lisa, decided to resign after a month to give Jay and I the space we needed. We tried to stop her but to no avail. On her last day the three of us went out.

We all cried to dinner. When I came home I called up Lisa but she was not home yet. I kept on calling Jay until 2:30 AM and his brother said he won't go home that night. Joe, I never slept the whole night. I was in deep pain. I was hoping my senses were not right.

The next day, I never approached Jay but he was not in a good mood due to hang over. He never even bothered to greet me 'good morning'. We never really talked in the office until when I was about to go home. I asked him what he has done. He confessed everything. Lisa invited him to go out that night for the last time because she wanted to ask him what she could give me as a remembrance. He agreed because he thought it would be a nice surprise, but things turned out differently. She invited him to go out and drink as a farewell celebration. Jay was not a drinker so after just 3 glasses of beer, he was already dizzy but they still went on. He never stopped because he doesn't want to be the one who will go down first. But Lisa was a seasoned drinker.

He said that when he woke up, he just found himself in bed with Lisa. Yes, something happened that night Jay was very angry that he just left Lisa who was still sleeping that time. He showed me the messages of Lisa, asking for forgiveness and asking to return her call so they could talk properly but he never called her. He was crying so hard and he kept on saying sorry to me in between sobs. I cried so hard, too. I didn't know what to do. I felt everything fell on me. I felt the deepest pain in my life, being hurt by my boyfriend and close friend.

I decided to end everything but he refused. But my decision was very final. I ignore him in the office, even if it tears my heart apart. I feel like crying every time I see him. Everytime we talk about our work. He never fails to say "good morning" when I arrive at the office. He still calls me but I would always find an excuse to hang up. Lisa called me up one day only to say sorry but she has fallen deeply in love with Jay and that she believes it's not her fault if she's done such a thing. I just ignored her and made her realize I've been a very good friend to her that she has never been to me. We both cried and I hung up. I never bothered to talk to her since then . She has sent me a lot of letters already but I never read any of them.

It's so hard to forgive. She still beeps Jay but he never called her again. Jay still calls me every night. We still talk about the usual things but it's so hard to bring back the old glow. He still loves me and I still Love him so much. Nothing has changed, Joe. I still want him back but it's not easy to accept him again after all he has done to hurt me. What will I do??? I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be hurt that way again...
Please advice us on this. We both listen to your lovenotes every Friday.

Thank you so much,
Lonely Ina

Dear Ina,

When someone we love breaks our hearts the pain it brings creeps into the deepest recesses of our souls and tears us apart. We are raged with hatred and harbor nothing but anger.

Sadly, just when our anger subsides, our ego takes over. Sometimes a hurt pride takes a lifetime longer to heal and this usually gets in the way of a peaceful reconciliation if, our efforts would lead to it at all.

We may never find the best foot to put forward because we are always taken aback by our own pride and dignity.

You can point your blame on Jay and Lisa all your life, but that would not change anything anymore. No amount of regret can turn the hands of time and give you the power to change what destiny has permanently etched on our lives.

Ina, you can never find rest until you finally let go of the hatred in your heart. Don't live all your life cursing Lisa for falling in love with Jay. She has laid her cards and asked for forgiveness . I think it's just about time you let the past rest in peace and find mercy in your heart .

Love
Joe,

She Suppresses Her Feelings For A Friend

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


HELLO Joe,

I'm typically perceived as a strong individual, easy to get along with, not that stunningly beautiful, but I do have my share of suitors. It's just that I never got interested in them, not after my last breakup three years ago.

I transferred almost two years ago to the firm I'm connected with right now. Being the friendly person that I am, I easily got close to my peers. Among them, it was Rico who seemed to appreciate me and became my constant companion. It started with Rico telling me all about his likes, his life, and his fiancée. He admitted that it was only me that he was able to confide, aside from Janine, his fiancée. Janine was working in another country and was due to return in Manila mid next year for their wedding.

I knew he just needed a listening ear. Although he admitted that he didn't mention me to Janine even once, I encouraged him to tell her about me casually, because I knew there was really nothing to hide. One early morning, he called me up to tell me that he and Janine had a misunderstanding because of me

He told Janine about me and that there was a possibility that he was already falling for me. Naturally, she got jealous, and mad. At that time I didn't know how to feel, but more than anything I pitied myself. I didn't have the slightest intention of doing them harm.
After that incident, I suggested to Rico that we should not spend too much time together. Things went back to normal, but still he would stay with me whenever time permits, and I would remind him of Janine.

He even went to ask me if he was falling for me, I casually told him that he just missed Janine. After all, they spent almost half of their lives together.

To make things easier for us, I kept myself busy. I'd go out with other friends and stop rendering overtime work (to the detriment of my career). And I am already entertaining suitors because I'm capable of loving again.

I've read somewhere that we shouldn't waste time to show someone we love them. In my case, I have to defy such belief. I know there are a lot of other people who are in the same predicament I'm in right now.
It's hard but we have to be strong.

There are times I just want to resign from work. I don't know how long I can hold on but still I'm hoping that we'll remain friends.

Please pray for me and for people like me.

Love,

Mia

Dear Mia,

Sometimes we wonder why just can't we fall in love and be happy. Why does there always have to be a string of constraint and confusion attached to it. Why can't we just love someone and not be guilty about feeling that way.

Mia, it's a cold hard fact, that not all the people we choose to love may be able to return the same feelings. They may either be committed to someone else or may not be interested in us at all

But, Rico must have liked you a lot for he would not have had the courage to tell his girlfriend about his feelings for you. But you knew you never wanted to be the cause of conflict so you backed off to a safe distance. I think he understood your message and somehow realized that he can never be more than a friend to you.

But, he thought wrongly. Now you are the one falling and hoping against hope that you may find love in him again.

Mia, your work doesn't have to suffer just because you have fallen in love with your officemate. You cannot turn your back from what your heart cries out for. Somehow, you would have to get your act together and deal with this sweeping emotion. How long do you think can you hide your affection that grows as each day passes? How long can you make excuses to avoid him?

Mia, sometimes the easiest way to get the weight off our chest is to honestly let the other person know how we feel. Tell Rico that you are avoiding him because you are afraid of falling in love too deep that you may never be able to get out of it. Let him know that you just wanted to get it off your chest and that you are not in any way expecting anything from him. At least you would not have to worry about him finding out from someone else. After this, close this book and go on with your life.

He may remain as your friend or you may lose him forever. But, he may also return your feelings in a way that you would never expect. Then, this would have to be a new chapter. Mia, live by the day and deal with your emotions as they come. Be honest with yourself and true to what you feel. Let us always remember that love never grows when it is secretly kept locked in our hearts. Love will only find fulfillment when it finds its way out and dwells in the heart of that person destined to keep it.

Love,
Joe

Un-virgin

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

I'm 25 years old, working in one of the most prestigious software development firms in Makati as a systems engineer.

I'm no man-hater. I've had five relationships since high school but all were failures.

I'm easily attracted to men who are tough and mature, just like my 4th boyfriend Roy, my first serious relationship. He's the kind of man any woman would want to have. He's eight years my senior, very responsible, really secure and stable.

We started going steady when I was in junior college. We went steady for almost five years. Roy and I had a real good time together, we got along pretty well, and because I felt so sure about him, we unavoidably reached the peak of intimacy.

Before I graduated from college, Roy asked me to marry him, but I refused. I asked him to wait for at least three more years. Since then, we were slowly drifting apart.

Until one day, I received a letter from him telling me he was marrying someone he had gotten pregnant. I had no other choice, I guess. I learned to live my life all over again, and pick myself up from the floor.

In the summer of 1997, I met Reggie in our company's summer outing in Palawan. We had had five long days together in a place that was almost paradise. He had been so vocal about his admiration for me.

One night, after coming home from a party where I got really drunk, he took me home to my pad, and, yes, Joe, something happened between us. He knew about Roy but I didn't mention anything about virginity.

The next morning, he was mad, saying he really felt cheated. I tried explaining I didn't have any plan of keeping the truth from him, which I was just waiting for the perfect time, but he didn't listen.

He walked out on me without a word, and had since stopped calling and eventually seeing me. I was devastated but I didn't run after him, I tried to be strong. I didn't even try calling or begging him to stay.

Three months later, I saw him again in an employee' gathering. I tried to make him feel I was okay, though deep inside I was hurting and I pitied myself.

He invited me for dinner "for old time's sake." He told me how sorry he was, that he wanted me back, so I gave him another chance. I guess I just can't say no to someone I still care for.

But, Joe, he's very different now. He hates talking about marriage. Before, when he brought me home, a goodnight kiss was enough to give him a good sleep, but now he always wants us to end up in bed. I hate the thought of being "used and abused," but this is exactly what I'm going through.

Joe, does he really love me? Did he really accept me regardless of my past? I feel so stupid about these things. I want to break up with him and start things all over again.

My family doesn't know what has just transpired in my life. I don't want to disappoint them because they have always been so proud of me. Please, help me. I have prayed to God a lot of times and I know He hears me.

After Reggie, would there be another man who might just use me upon learning of my past? I'm afraid this kind of relationship might just go on in an endless circle. I'm confused.

Last week, I got an e-mail from Roy, saying he's now separated from his wife, he has taken custody of their child because he's more financially capable. He said he still loves me more than anyone else and wants me back.

I want to accept him back, but things are more complicated now. He's married, and I don't want to be a mistress forever.

Sincerely,
Mitch

Dear Mitch,

Virginity has always been a sensitive issue in many relationships. There are men who still value greatly a woman's chastity and would always want to have her first.

But the sad fact is, not all first relationships become our last, and many women lose their virginity to their first boyfriends. Does this mean these women are doomed to fail in their succeeding relationships?

Well, I don't think so. Many women do not end up with their first beaus but they end up with happy marriages. I believe virginity would only become an issue if there is no transparency in a relationship.

If you made a mistake in giving in to your first relationship, then you should have made sure your next boyfriend knew he wasn't the first. This is where many relationships have been strained—women taking the risk of not telling their boyfriends about it. Men are likely to discover it one way or another, and if you take them by surprise, they would feel cheated, get mad, and get even. Then you can bid your relationship good-bye again.

But what's done is done. No woman goes to the doctor to have her virginity stitched back. She just has to go on and find someone who would accept her for what she was and love her for what she is.

A man who loves you would care less about your past, but a man who doesn't would use it to hurt you.

Reggie doesn't love you, he just wants you. Don't waste your life wanting him, or you'll just end up miserable, knowing you've been used and abused by someone who has never cared about you at all.

Pray for strength so you would have enough courage to resist him, and live your life the way you should. Stop hurting yourself and don't think you'll never find someone who can embrace your past.

Give yourself a chance, and you'll find the man whose love will see beyond your mistakes—the man who will understand you for all that you have been, accept you for what you have become, and love you for what you truly are.

Love,
Joe

She Is Confused About The True Feelings Of Her Suitor Whom She Likes

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

I just came out of a relationship and promised myself not to jump into another one for the meantime. But I guess fate has its own plans for me. After learning that I had broken up with my boyfriend, a friend of mine started looking for an eligible replacement. She introduced me to Gem and his best friend, Gary. After that, when Gem and I pass each other, exchange of words was limited to just "hi's" and "hello's". But it was different in the case of his best friend. Gary started courting me. Sensing that his best friend was not making any progress to win my affection, Gem stepped in and started playing bridge. But every time he put in a good word for Gary, I just shrugged it off and simply told him that I was not interested. For that reason, Gem and I became close and eventually started liking each other. Gary, on the other hand, realizing that there was no hope, left me alone and stopped courting me. But it wasn't that easy.

Gem told me how much he regretted it when he wasn't able to tell me earlier what he really felt. But although he like me so much, he said that he just couldn't be involved with me. Doing so, according to him, would appear that he was betraying his best friend. He told me that Gary still loves me and he didn't want him to get hurt. He can't afford losing Gary's trust and friendship. Gem kept on sending me missed signals and it made me really confused. Although I like hi, so much, I didn't give in to my emotions 'cause his real intentions were not clear. I don't want to invest into something that might lead to nowhere. But despite all this, we both knew that the feeling was mutual, only that, we were both having difficulty coming into terms with the situation.

But the worst part was yet to come. My friend asked me if there was really something going on between Gem and I. I denied it 'cause there was really nothing to tell. I told her that I felt Gem was courting me but I was not sure whether to take him seriously or not. My friend, probably not content with what I said, came up to Gem without my knowledge and asked the same question. What he told my friend really hurt and wounded my ego. I learned from her that Gem denied that he was courting me and said that he was just being nice to me for the sake of Gary. I thought that there was really something special going on between us. But I was wrong.

I never really confronted him regarding the matter. It was better this way than risking myself and be hurt all over again. I started avoiding him and began acting cold and distant. He was really surprised with my actions but I didn't care. He deserved it anyway. The last time we talked over the phone, I was really surprised when he told me that he knew the reason I was acting strange toward him and that was because of something what my friend has told me. I denied it and told him that my friend has nothing to do with it. He told me not to believe any of those things but I was too stubborn to listen to him. He never called me since then.

It has been two months since our last conversation and I'm starting to miss him. I do have my pride and it will really kill me to make the first move. I don't want give him the satisfaction of seeing me softening toward him. After all, I was the one who was hurt and he was the one who led me on. Am I wrong not to give him a chance to explain his side? Whom shall I believe? I am trying to forget him but it's not that easy since until now I am still wondering if those very words really came from the person whom I learned to trust and like very much. Did he really like me or was just playing a game at my expense?

ARIANNE


Sometimes, the difficulty of being a woman is being too forward in vague relationships. A lot of men are afraid to show their feelings. They are not too vocal about their sentiments either. They send confusing signals that are quite difficult, if not too presumptuous, to interest.

Your friendship with Gem deserves the benefit of an honest-to-goodness dialogue. Relying on and acting upon information from a third party which may sometimes be inaccurate can have devastating results. A person's interpretation of the emotion of someone else can be different and may not always be reflective of his true feelings. Talking to Gem doesn't mean that you value the importance of an open and honest communication which leads to better understanding.

A lot of relationships fail to blossom because people are afraid to express their feelings. They love to give meaning to unspoken signals and judge a person's action without looking beyond what might have driven them to act that way. They tell others but not the person involved and soon, they suffer in silence, unmindful of the storm that they stir inside them. Each unspoken word and repressed feeling feed energy to this stir of emotions that may one day just explode and destroy the very relationship people are trying to build together.

Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. We should not be afraid to ask questions and to answer truthfully when there are queries. Only when we are honest with ourselves and those around us can we see beyond the smile or the frown. Only when we listen with our hearts can we understand the meaning of silence and hear the words that are never spoken.

Love,
Joe

Tired of Falling In and Out of Love

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

I've been through a lot of broken relationships, broken promises and a lot of pain too. One relationship in particular was when I had a boyfriend who's married with 2 kids. It was not very easy being in that kind of relationship. I soon realized that we were just infatuated with each other, driven by lust and passion.

Marc came along when I was grieving over my past relationship. We met when I was in Puerto Galera with my sister. He was her boss. We became instant friends and I have told him everything about me, including my secret "affair" with the married man. I knew he could see right through me. He offered to be my friend. I trusted him so much that I became blind, not seeing who he really was. I became deaf, not hearing what everyone else was saying about him.

Joe, we started going out without my sister's knowledge. I fell in love so hard & started expecting things would eventually turn out well. After just a month, something happened between us. Two days later, he texted me & said that he was bothered & confused. He was afraid he might have gotten me pregnant.

Joe, I assured him I wasn't pregnant. I was hoping for a commitment that he couldn't give because he's still waiting for Pam, his ex-girlfriend. He said it would be unfair if he could not return what I feel for him. I was really hurt & told him that he just used me. He said that he had no intention of taking advantage of me. Joe, he wants us to act as if nothing happened but I can't. I never wanted him to think that I was pressuring him to do something that he didn't want to do so I just stopped.

Joe, I thought I would be able to move on, go on with my life and just forget about this whole damn thing. But I was so wrong. I couldn't get him out of my mind, my heart & my life. I would say that what we had ended easily as it started. It was just like a wind that blew across our path. He was everything to me but he had hurt me so much that now I became a man hater. I suddenly realized after knowing him that all men are just the same.

Joe, he was the 3rd man in my life who just wanted to have sex with me and after getting what they wanted didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Was it my fault that I trusted so much & gave everything to make my men happy? I know that there's nothing wrong with me, physically & emotionally. But why do these men seek nothing but pleasure from me?

Joe, I'm just so tired of falling in and out of love. I want someone to spend & share the rest of my life with. I still want Marc. But what am I going to do? Please help me Joe. Help me win him back. I love him so much….and it hurts because I still couldn't let go.

Joe, I don't want to be a man hater all my life. But right now, that's just how I feel. Please help me.

Thank you so much & may God bless you, your show and your new radio station!!!

Love,
April


Dear April,

There is a big difference between loving someone and wanting someone. You still want Marc but don't think that desire is driven by genuine love. Marc, just like the other two men in your life just wanted to get a piece of the action. They would never even come close to committing themselves to any form of relationship with you. Not that you are unworthy but It was clear that they were just after the physical satisfaction that they could get from you. They must have really wanted you but then again, that desire cannot be used to define the true meaning of love.

April, we all know how some men can cunningly deceive women into giving what they want and then excuse themselves from any responsibility afterwards. Stumbling on the same stone three times, however, should not be enough reason for you to hate them in general. Not all men are like Marc. There are still many who are brave enough to face the consequences of their actions. Men with respect. Men who can love without price.

April, in true relationships, commitment comes before physical intimacy. Men who just want to have sex and refuse responsibility are just self-centered individuals who think only of their own satisfaction. These people will never have any place in lasting relationships where the real foundation of love is built on unselfish commitment, trust and respect.

Love,
Joe

He Wants to Say Sorry to the Girl He Left Behind

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango



Dear Joe,

Just call me Stephen. I am 27 years old and working for a multinational firm as an Engineer. I've had several relationships and one had brought me to married life just recently. I have a happy marriage and I don't have any regrets.

My problem is with my most recent before I met my wife. I have to admit, that I was not the easiest guy to get along with at that time. I was always jealous, and I would always feel that my ex-girlfriend, Anne, didn't really love me.

We worked at the same office. She was my first serious girlfriend. Although I've had girlfriends before, Anne was actually the one that I had planned to marry. I wanted her to meet my parents but she was anxious about it. So, I secretly arranged for my parents to meet us somewhere and join us for dinner. This offended her and started a lot of arguments . Joe,, I saw a side of Anne that I had never seen before.

During our arguments, Anne would always threaten to break up with me. One time, we actually did. Then, I begged her to come back to me promising that I would change. I tried to tame my jealous streaks and mood swings, but Anne did the reverse, she was the one throwing the jealous streaks at me, especially when she met one of my officemates, May.

May was very close to me, and to everybody else, except for Anne. She would tell me that Anne was snobbish. She actually was, most of the time. This remark outraged Anne. She would always pin May on our arguments, and when I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to call it quits.

I had a "rebound" relationship with a girl named Jane but it didn't last long. I decided to break up with her and went back to Anne again. Anne took me back, but then things went worse. Anne didn't change. She would order me around and I felt that she was taking advantage of me, since I was the one who wooed her back. Finally, I got tired of it all and just left her without breaking up. We never called or talked to each other after that.

I was so depressed at that time, I had no one to turn to, except May who became my best friend and eventually my wife. I resigned from my job at that time and married May.

But just recently, I met one of my peers and she told me that Anne had cried upon knowing I got married to May, she became depressed and distant to everyone. She's still single and doesn't want to entertain suitors anymore. Joe, I felt guilty upon knowing that so I tried to call her to say sorry, but she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I decided to leave her alone and at best not to bother her again. But a part of me still feels guilty, because I didn't get the chance to say sorry. How can I tell her sorry if she doesn't want to talk to me? Is it ok just to leave it that way? I hope you can help me.

Sincerely,
Stephen


Stephen,

When we marry someone, we should close the old chapters of our lives and give way to open a new one. Unfortunately, there has been no closure between you and Anne. You just drifted apart without really being certain about the final status of your relationship. She was devastated when she found out that you married May because she was hoping that you still might come back again.

Stephen, if it would make you feel better saying sorry, then do so. If she doesn't want to give you a chance to be heard then send her a written apology. This gesture could probably bring the finality your failed relationship needed. Maybe, this could help her take a step forward and move on. This could also relieve you of your guilt that has been constantly bothering you.

I believe in destiny. I believe that there is one person who would walk into our lives and share it with us forever. There is a reason why relationships fail. There is a reason why jealousy poisons our feelings. There is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. Sometimes, these reasons are difficult to understand. But, there are times when we don't have to , we just have to accept them and live the life that was destined for us. You have found your life, Stephen. Live it the way you should. Love your wife and find joy and happiness in Gods' greatest gift: your marriage.

Love,Joe

The Boy Outside My Window

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

Hi! I'm an avid listener of your program, but I never thought I would be writing you to pour out my feelings. Joe, is it true that looks are not everything? Most people claim that physical appearance doesn't matter when it comes to love. It's what's inside the person that counts. I used to say that, too, until I was asked that question when it wasn't hypothetical anymore. I had to search deep inside my heart, but my pride and ego answered for me instead. This is where my story begins.

Joe, I've lived in a small village all 15 years of my life. I wasn't the type who liked socializing. I would prefer to stay in my room, read a book or look out of the window. Actually, the view from my window peers into the room of the next house, but no one lived there for a while. At least not until summer came.

The summer before my last year in high school, my friends were all gone for vacation and it seemed that I would spend that summer locked in my room. It was during one of these days that I noticed someone had moved into the house next door. That night, I saw a guy sitting by the window playing the guitar. He looked up, met my gaze and smiled. I knew at that moment, that my life would never be the same.

His name is Tristan. He was 18 years old and an incoming college freshman. I remember thinking how cute he was with his clean-cut hair and fair complexion. He was very friendly and from our respective windows, we talked for hours about everything. It was such a surprise to discover how many things we had in common. We finally ended our conversation when the sky turned black, but I knew it was the start of a wonderful friendship.

For the next few weeks, we established some sort of routine. In the mornings, he would throw tiny pebbles on my window to catch my attention. We would then spend the day talking to each other through our windows. We even played ball that way, throwing it back and forth. I guess he was a good ball player because he would always catch the ball sitting down.

He seemed to be like me, he was always in his room, usually sitting by the window. It never bothered me that we always talked from our rooms, like two prisoners in separate towers. I thought our setup was cute, but I looked forward to the day we would actually be together.

One day, he told me that he used to be a wild, risk-taking guy, until he had a bad motorcycle accident a couple of years ago. He said it was traumatic for him, both physically and mentally. He seemed to want to say more but it was clear that his memories of the crash were painful. And I didn't want to pry.

Besides, his past didn't matter. I actually admired him for being so honest, and I knew that I liked him a lot more than when I first met him. In fact, I was convinced that he was my prince. That night, as I was about to sleep, a pebble hit my window. When I opened my window, Tristan threw a basketball at me, smiled and closed his window. He had written the words, "Jet Aime" on the ball.

Unable to control my curiosity, I asked my mother what it meant and she said that it meant "I love you" in French. I felt I was in some kind of a dream, the kind you never want to awaken from. Since then, I felt a bond forming between Tristan and me. Was it deeper than friendship? M.U.? Love? All I knew was it was something really good!

It was around mid-May when my friends came back home and I told them about Tristan. They were all happy and wanted to meet the guy who made my heart beat faster so they invited the two of us to a dinner dance party. I eagerly agreed. It was the push I needed to spend a day with him away from our houses. It took a lot of convincing to make him go. He told me that he hadn't been to a party in a long time, that he doesn't dance and that my friends might not like him.

But I overcame his excuses and convinced him to go, despite the fact that he wasn't as thrilled as I was. The night of the party, I took pains in dressing. When his car stopped in front of our house, I expected to see him driving but instead, he had a driver who opened the door for me.

Inside the car, Tristan looked even more handsome at close range. When we arrived, the driver opened my door and I waited beside the car for the driver to open the door for Tristan. I thought it odd that the driver opened the trunk first. I stopped breathing when he took out a pair of crutches and that was when I knew, Joe.

The motorcycle accident had made Tristan a crippled, disabled man. He had tried telling me before, but I had been too engrossed in my royal prince beliefs to listen. For a moment I wished he would laugh and say it was a joke, but he didn't. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong, but I wasn't very convincing, and neither were my friends. They shook his hand, but kept on glancing at his legs and crutches.

The tension was so great that I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. It was clear that I wasn't enjoying my evening and neither was he. We left the party early, and we were so eager to go home that we didn't talk on the way back, and practically said goodbye with a tone of relief.

As shocked as I was about my discovery, I felt guilty about how unfairly I had treated him. I know that nobody's perfect, but I was never faced with the challenge of accepting the disability of a person I want to be more than a friend to. His condition hit me so hard that I couldn't immediately get over it.

I was so disappointed so I hid from Tristan and refused to answer the pebbles that hit my window. I don't remember when I pulled myself together to apologize for how I acted, I just know it was when the pebbles stopped hitting my window. I waited and waited but it never came.

I finally found out that Tristan was going to the US for treatment. I finally had the courage to go to his house. But his 15-year-old sister told me that Tristan had left two days ago with their mom. With the surgery and continuous therapy, he would be gone indefinitely. I was about to ask for an address or phone number when she asked if I was the neighbor that Tristan used to talk to everyday. I said yes, hoping he had left a message or even a letter for me, but instead she gave me the cold treatment.

She told me, you know, Tristan couldn't stop talking about you since the first day you met, until the time he left. He said he knew you were disappointed with him, but he also told me how disappointed he was with you and with that, she thanked me for my concern and ended our conversation.

Joe, I desperately want to make amends with Tristan but is he willing to listen to me? I have learned my lesson and am willing to admit my mistake, if only he will let me. I realize that whether or not he recovers, cripple or not, he is still the friend I made through my window, the kind I never thought I would have and the friend I grew to like, perhaps even love.

After thinking about this for a long time, I have finally learned to look beyond the physical. Now that I am ready to tell him, I don't care about your disability, there is no way to let him know. He may not come back for a long time, and I have wrecked my relationship with his family before it has even started. I shudder at the thought of not seeing him again, waiting helplessly to hear from him, and if I do, of him not forgiving me.

But for now, it seems that all I can do is wait and hope that he will be willing to pick up where we left off. Right now, I am blinded by depression and loneliness. Maybe there is an option I have failed to see and explore. I hope you and your listeners can lead me to it.

The only thing that gets me through is the hope that one day, I will open my window again and see him, sitting on a chair by the window. He will look up, meet my gaze and smile. Whether he stands up on his own or stays seated like before, well, I can now say for certain it doesn't matter at all. Joe, thank you for your time, and for choosing my letter. I hope your listeners will be able to learn from my bitter experience that it is true, looks aren't everything.

Thank you and God bless you all.

Sincerely yours,
Angel



Dear Angel,

You cannot blame Tristan nor his family for feeling indifferent towards you. His physical disability may be a sore to the eyes but that doesn't make him less of a person. Just like you and I, he also has feelings which can be hurt and scarred by prejudice and rejection.

Angel, you know you must have hurt Tristan's family more than you have hurt him and it may seem that you'll never get a way to him through them. It may be difficult to convince them that you are sincere but you just have to try. Tell his sister how bad you felt when he left and how sorry you are for having acted the way you did. If you speak from your heart, I'm sure you'll get the address or number you need.

Send him a note or a card and tell him you regret that you have treated him indifferently. Let him know that you are honestly willing to make up for all the hurt you have caused him. Call him if you can. Express yourself with all sincerity. Let's just hope he feels it and responds positively. If he doesn't, then just keep on trying. I'm sure, in time, your efforts will be rewarded.

If everything still proves futile, then don't blame yourself anymore. At least you have tried your best. We must remember that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and sometimes inadvertently hurt others. But what is more important is our willingness to accept our faults and our sincerity in making up for all the pain we have caused others.

Good luck, Angel. I hope Tristan gives you the chance you deserve. I also hope that this letter will make us realize that genuine friendships are founded on respect and sincere acceptance of one and the other's incapacity and weaknesses.

It is not what we see on the outside that counts, for the real value of a person is not measured by how much he has but by the good that dwells in him and the real beauty of a person is the one not our eyes but only ours can see.

Love,
Joe

Aspiring for a Second Life

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dear Joe,

I've been thru several relationships trying to find the one who would complete me, until I supposedly found the "right guy" to whom I'm married right now.

Today, my marriage life is in shambles. It is in fact a total failure. We've become absolute strangers to one another. It started when I told him about my past relationships with my ex-boyfriends, as I would like to be open and honest with him and be accepted for who I am.

My husband continues to distrust me even though I've tried my best to prove him wrong. I've been subjected to so much verbal, emotional and physical (including sexual) abuse, which I think I or anybody deserves. Whenever I would not yield or give in to his "whims" (i.e. sexual demands), he would bring back the issue about my past relationships with my ex-boyfriends.

I would like to turn in a new leaf; to start anew; to straighten out my life. I would like to have a second chance whether it may be a life of single blessedness or a married life. Right now, I'm only going through the motions. I could not continue living a married life void of respect, love and trust for one another. I know I have committed the mistake of marrying for the wrong reasons (i.e. getting pregnant).

Joe, I've come to know somebody before my marriage. He had expressed his feelings for me. However, it seems it was too late for him since I was already pregnant then. We stopped communicating for about a year until recently.

He has been more than a friend to me. He understands that I'm sincere and faithful in trying to change my life for the better. Notwithstanding my marital status, he still feels the same way for me. If ever he would be given the chance, he is willing to establish a relationship with me and my 2-year old son.

I have decided to file for annulment no matter what the cost are. My friend is willing to wait. However, we both don't know until when. I've told him to go on with his life and if love would find us worthy for each other, love would find a way. Joe, I don't know how long will he wait for me. I've been trying to condition my mind to the fact that one day he won't be there anymore. Right now, I would like to have my marriage annulled; get my life back; and bring up my son in an environment of love, respect and trust. If my friend decides to stick it out for the long haul, then I would consider it a bonus.

I would like to seek your help, your counsel. My husband has been uncooperative in my efforts to annul our marriage. He is trying to win me back. However, all is now lost. I have already told him that I have lost all love, trust and respect for him. I hope he would be enlightened and realize that there is no way I am going to take another chance with him and experience the trauma all over again.

Sincerely,
Marie



Dear Marie,

It seems like your husband has not come to terms yet with your past. He still can't accept the fact that he was not the first in your life . You only had good intentions when you told him about your previous relationships but sometimes, the past is better left where it was. Not all husbands can be very open minded about their wives sexual history .

Marie, I will never condone physical and sexual abuse in any relationship. No matter how much wrong someone has done or how much pain and shame someone has inflicted upon us we do not have any right to disrespectfully mistreat anyone. Whatever it was that your husband felt upon learning your past will never be enough to justify his abusive behavior.

Marriages should be built on the foundations of love, trust and mutual respect. When these elements fade out, relationships will crumble and fall. Marie, you deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be happy. Not all weddings are made in heaven. Love doesn't always last forever. If this is where it will all end then let time take its course and your troubled relationship find its rest.

But do not close the doors of your heart permanently. Miracles still happen and God works in ways that are just simply unbelievable. Let us always remember that there is a reason for every trouble that comes our way. We just have to believe that they are meant to make a clear path for something better to happen in our lives.

Joe

Breaking His Heart

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango


Dearest Joe,

I've been in this dilemma now for weeks. I've thought of sharing this with you because I like the way you give advice. You always opt for what is morally correct and I admire you for that. I will not be using our true names to protect our identities.

Mar and I met right after graduation when we were reviewing for the board exams. He has a GF at that time and with the way he talks about her, I could tell he really isn't serious with her. We became close. I charmed him unconsciously and my friends noticed that he's kind of 'falling for me'. I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time having just got out from a serious one right after graduation. Needless to say, he broke her girlfriend's heart and pursued me. I knew I liked him, but I was not sure at that moment if I loved him. I enjoyed his company and found it easy to confide to him. I told him the reason why I split-up with my ex-boyfriend. I told him how resent the fact that my ex was insecure, over sensitive, possessive and a little irresponsible. So, Mar wasn't all these. That's what I saw.

Joe, Mar's an immigrant and he was about to leave for the states right after board exams. We were constantly together but I never gave him any concrete answer if I love him or not or if I'll still are free if he comes back. Everything was uncertain when he left. The only thing certain then was that he's very in love with me and that I like him very much. So he left and he would write me everyday for the four months while he was away. Joe, I fell for the Mar I knew. The caring, responsible, patient and loving person that he was. We became a couple everyone approved of when he came back.

But little by little, Joe, I discovered his other side. The one he never showed me. I saw that he was insecure most of the time, possessive, impatient and untrusting - everything I hated in my ex-boyfriend. But he was loving and very attentive to me. He loves me very much and I know he would do anything to keep me. So, I endured all his shortcomings as he would endure my moods and stubbornness. I was lucky to be loved by someone like him. But time came when I felt suffocated by his too much attention.

He was about to leave for the states again and it was an opportunity I looked forward to. Finally, I can have time alone. But before Mar left, I promised him that we'd get married after about two years.

That was my mistake, Joe. I knew there were some things I hated in him and that I can not live with. My mother would always tell me, 'never expect someone to change for the better when you marry him, because there's a big possibility that he wont change and this will break your heart'. And I have always kept that in my mind.

He's been away for more than 6 months now and I find myself being attracted to other men. I don't think about him as my future husband. I'm not sweet to him anymore when we talk on the phone and I can not say 'I love you', anymore. I know he observed this and I know I should be honest with him but as much as hate being untrue, I also hate the thought of breaking his heart. You see, Joe, he loves me so much and has built a castle of dreams for me. Telling him I have fallen out of love him is like throwing a bomb on that dream. Whenever we talk on the phone, I'd wait for him to ask if something was wrong and yet I dread the thought of him asking me.

I know I should tell him the truth. The problem is how do I explain to him, to my family (who adores him), to our friends, to his family and to almost everyone who knew we're to be together forever that it won't be so.

I pray to God to help me and guide me with my decision. I know I'd be hurting him with this but I also know it is wrong if I tell him I still love him when I don't. Please guide and tell me how I should tell him gently without shattering his life.

Thank you, Joe and more power to you.

Angel

Dear Angel,

It is true that the only thing constant in this world is change. Not even love can always make a promise that it can keep forever. There are times when we are overwhelmed by our attraction towards someone. This overflowing of affection grows beyond our capacity to rightfully perceive the difference between liking and loving. These two things have a lot in common. How can we like someone if we don't have the element of love in it and how can we love someone if we don't even like that person?

Though liking and loving are similar in many ways, they are still worlds apart when they become the basis for long term commitments. When we like someone, there is always a physical trait attributed to that. There would always have to be a basis for liking that person. But we can learn to love someone who has fallen way short of our physical expectations. We can love with our eyes closed but we can like only the things we see.

Angel, you have gotten yourself into a commitment based on what you have perceived Mar to be. But he unexpectedly turned out to be exactly like your ex-boyfriend - impatient, possessive and untrusting. But now, you have already made a promise that you might not be able to keep forever. Marrying him in two years was something you just probably said out of confusion. But, it certainly didn't come from the heart. It was not a promise you made out of love but a promise out of an obligation. You have given Mar the false hope of waiting for something that isn't there anymore. Breaking that promise would surely break his heart into pieces.

But, I believe that you don't have much of an option but to be true to what you feel. You simply have to be honest in telling him that you don't feel the same anymore. It is just rather selfish because you are going to do this for yourself, more than anyone else. There is no easy way to say " I don't love you anymore." There is no easy way to break his heart because that would mean shattering his dreams as well.

It is sad because , sometimes, the people we love most are the ones who are going to hurt us most . But life is just full of surprises. Love doesn't always have happy but bitter endings. It is a reality that we have to face and a challenge that we have to endure. I just hope , Angel that for whatever it is worth, breaking up with Mar would finally give you the peace of mind and the freedom you wanted.

I also hope that this would serve as a lesson: that love should not be based on what a person is or what he is not. Love should not measure what someone has or what someone doesn't have . Love is something that we should give because we want to give it and not because we hope to get something in return. Let us always remember that only when we make relationships out of love can we have the chance to keep it and make it last forever.

Love,
Joe

There Is No Love Without Pain

From Love Notes of Joe d' Mango

Dear Joe,

I'm 23 years old and currently working in a large company here in Makati. I never thought that one day I'll be writing you and ask for an advice, not for me but for a friend. Let's call my friend, Marvin.
We were on our first year in college when Sheila, a friend since high school, told me her crush, that's Marvin. Joe, right from the start Sheila knew that it's just a one way thing since they still don't know each other. But still, she kept on wishing that one day they will be friends and soon will be more than friends. As a friend, I befriended Marvin to make Sheila's wish come true. I introduced Marvin to Sheila. Joe, it was just a hi and hello thing. Nothing more.

Until one day, on our third year, Sheila met a guy who looks like Marvin. The guy courted her and she didn't hesitate to answer him right away. I was shocked and asked her why so soon. Joe, it was because the guy looks like Marvin. I don't know, but I think it's not fair on the guy. I was afraid for Sheila because I believe in karma. After a few months, Sheila was so happy to share with me their happy moments together. She honestly told me that she made the right decision in answering Anthony and that she learned to love him not because of Marvin but because of what he really is. The relationship went on smoothly for almost a year.

But just like many relationships, theirs had to end. Joe, Anthony's studies suffered. His mother was blaming Sheila. That was the start of their on-and-off relationship and in the end, they broke up. It was so hard for her to accept what happened and so she kept on asking for Anthony to come back. But all she got for an answer was a NO.

Joe, during Sheila's tumultuous relationship, Marvin and I became close friends. It was then that he told me he had feelings for Sheila even before I introduced them. I kept it to myself so as not to ruin Sheila's relationship with Anthony. I never told Sheila about it even after their breakup. When Marvin learned about the break up he asked me for an advice. He asked me if it was alright for him to court Sheila. I told him that if he really as interested, then go for it. I felt excited and worried at the same time for Sheila who might not be ready for another relationship. Marvin took the risk.

Joe, they started going out. Sheila became secretive and it was Marvin who was makuwento. Marvin thought that they were already in the "M.U." stage of their relationship since Sheila was giving him goodnight kisses every time he brought her home. But I knew that Sheila was entertaining another guy. I didn't know what happened after that, I just heard that Sheila ended up with the other guy.
Years passed Joe, we graduated from college. I didn't hear from Sheila but Marvin and I kept our communication lines open until the time when I was assigned to one of our branches in Davao. After a couple of months, the next thing I knew, sila na. I was so happy for the two of them. I thought the relationship would last but it seemed like Marvin was the only one who was willing to make the relationship work. He told me that every time they saw each other, he couldn't sense Sheila's excitement. During their month-saries, it was only Marvin who remembered to greet Sheila.

I was kind of confused why Sheila was doing this to Marvin because I knew how much she liked him. I still remember her wish. I pity Marvin because I know how much he loves Sheila now. I wanted to confront Sheila and ask her why she is doing this to Marvin but I don't have the courage to ask her since she became secretive and she doesn't know that I know what's going on between them right from the start. Then one day, I was surprised when Marvin told me that they were getting married. I was so happy for them. Marvin was telling me all his plans for their coming wedding and future as well. I don't know how Marvin will take this, Joe. The other day, I received a wedding invitation from Sheila. I was shocked. It was not Marvin's name written there. I called Sheila to ask her if this was all a joke. I heard all the excitement from her voice. She was not joking, Joe. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her how unworthy she was of Marvin's love. I don't know what kind of girl she is. If only we were talking face to face I could have slapped her! I was crying inside for Marvin. What hurts me most, Joe, was that she doesn't seem to care for Marvin's feelings at all. I don't think she's planning to tell this to Marvin.
After that phone conversation with Sheila, Marvin and I talked. He was very excited to tell me that he would ask Sheila to get me as one of her bridesmaids. I didn't know what to say. We parted without me telling him about Sheila's coming wedding. Joe, a month from now, Sheila is getting married. I'm afraid of how Marvin would take this. He loves Sheila so much. I felt that it was Sheila's responsibility to tell Marvin but until now Sheila hasn't made any move yet. Should I blame Marvin for loving Sheila that much or should I blame Sheila for hurting Marvin?

Joe, should I be the one to break the news to Marvin or should I wait for Sheila to tell him? How long should I wait for Sheila to tell Marvin? I fear that Sheila might not tell him about it and I feel that the longer I wait for Sheila's move the more guilt feeling I would have to endure and the more pain it would inflict on Marvin.

Thanks Joe for reading this letter. I need your immediate advice on this. More power on your program, "LoveNotes". I hope you could play the song "There's No Easy Way" by James Ingram.

Heidee C.



Dear Heidee,

You are on a very sensitive ground because you hold the key to all of Sheila's secrets, which could open a door of doom and disaster for everyone. But, there is a cloud of doubt in my mind. Somehow, I just couldn't understand how Marvin could have been so naively kept in the dark when Sheila was openly working on her own wedding and even manages to give you an invitation with someone else's name in it.
Your friend may be playing a game on you and you have to be very careful for you might fall in a trap that would be very difficult to rise from. I also sense that you have a special concern for Marvin that makes Sheila's actions difficult to accept. There is nothing wrong in feeling that way whether that concern is on a level of friendship or love.

When Sheila gave you her invitation, she knew she had opened the risk of Marvin finding out the truth. She knew you could tell Marvin her secrets and that is probably what she wanted you to do. I believe it is best to talk to her about this before letting the coffee spill from your cup. If she really is getting married to someone else and she doesn't have any plans of telling Marvin then, as a friend, you may, as you wish, tell Marvin yourself. Show him the invitation as proof and his reaction will tell you if he had been part of this charade or not.

This masquerade will have to come to its close sooner or later, Heidee. In the end, Sheila will be married, Marvin would be devastated and you would be hurt seeing him that way. The pain will linger and your wounds will hurt but all these will come to pass in time. At least Marvin will still have you to stand by him in the most trying moment of his life.

Love, even in all its color and splendor can still cast a storm in our lives and sometimes cause great emotional destruction. Let us always remember that there is no love without pain. There is no reward without sacrifice. Sometimes, there just can never be a graceful exit. We just have to let love take its course and hurt those who been caught in it and leave us with the cold hard fact that there will never be an easy way to break someone's heart.

Love,
Joe